woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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