Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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