if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
