Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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