did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
