I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
