That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
