I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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