fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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