i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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