I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I can't put those talents on a resume
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Can you bring me the toilet please
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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