What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
