Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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