Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
