I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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