using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
