her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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