How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
