so that wasnt chicken after all
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
