I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
