Ambien. No doubt about it.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
