is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
