Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
