don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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