im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
