I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
