I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
