if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
