So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
