i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
