he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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