doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
