That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
