Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
