ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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