Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
