what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
