I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
