wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
