Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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