she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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