I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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