cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
