Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
