I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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