I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
