Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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