Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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