Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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