Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
