my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
