Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
