Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
